The A** Hole and the Plague Victim

So there are those rides on publicly accessible transportation like airlines and trains that are lovely. You get two seats to yourself. The place is quiet. You can doze if you want to. You can read without being pestered. You can work on your laptop without someone having to wiggle past you to get out or use the restroom.

And there's hellish rides where your squeezed in between a wall and that morbidly obese guy who sweats like a pig and is so SURE you want to hear all about his hemorrhoids while the baby behind you is crying like he's being tortured and his mother is coughing like she's caught the plague. Meanwhile, the lady in front of you is one of those talkers who chats incessantly about nothing interesting in a voice that carries so everyone can hear about her inane conversation with the complete stranger who can offer nothing more than polite nods and non-discouragement in hopes she'll shut up. She doesn't.

This is neither of those. This started out as a quiet, nice ride where I was sure I'd be able to get some sleep in my nice quiet, unpopulated train car only to discover that I'd be joined by the A** Hole the next stop and the Plague Victim the stop after that.

Gary, the super nice, polite and charming conductor stops to ask the gentleman who sat directly behind me for his ticket.

"Can I see your ticket, sir?" asked Gary politely.

"I don't have one."

"You need to purchase a ticket?" asked Gary patiently.

The gentleman shrugs. "Psht. I guess."

"Where are you going?" asked Gary still polite and patient.

"Wherever you are."

"What city are you trying to get to?" asked Gary hopefully and a little less patiently.

"Man. Just give me a minute to get my money out."

Gary moves on to the next passenger, gets her ticket and marks her destination on a little tab to put above her seat. He comes back to the gentleman in seat 21.

"Where are you going?"

"Light rail."

"Are you going to Sacramento?"

"I need a ticket for light rail."

"But what city are you going to?"

"Light rail, man," he says with agitation.

"That's $22," says Gary finally deciding he was selling the guy a ticket to Sacramento regardless of where he decided to depart the train. "May I see your ID please?"

"'Merican."

"Sir, I need to see your ID."

"Youdon't trust me, man. mumblemumble 'Merican," the gentleman in seat 21 says half slurring and half mumbling.

Gary's voice gets a little lower, a little more forceful, a lot less patient, but only slightly less polite. "Sir, I need to see your ID. If you do not show me an ID and stop with the attitude, I'm going to ask you to get off at the next stop."

"This isn't an attitude man. Here. Here's my money. Here's my ID. What else you want, man? Here's my damn wallet."

"Here's your ticket and your change."

"What am I getting off at ----- (next stop)?"

"Your ticket is to Sacramento." Gary has stopped trying to explain anything to the man in seat 21 who either is incapable of understanding, willfully refusing to understand, or simple incapacitated in some way. Gary moves on.

"Where's the rest of my change?! F***in' federal employee stole my money. mumble mumble."

On his next trip through the car to check tickets of the new passengers, Gary brought along the other conductor to point out the man in seat 21 (subtly).

On the next stop a girl gets on who sounds like she has the plague. She's coughing up a storm and as soon as I start to drift off into slumber, she starts up again. And so I give up on another few minutes of shut eye before I get to work.

When I arrive there, it will be time for my first peer mentoring meeting. My peer mentor is the office Vegan. I have no problems with Vegans of course, but it seems that she has had some negative interactions with a number of other employees which I get the vague feeling has something to do with her Vegan-ness. How much of it is the general populace's misunderstanding or disdain for Vegans, and how much is a political/idealist/nutritional superiority given off by her, I have no idea. Since some of the "negative interaction" people are the two guys I'd rather not have to work with, I'm leaning on the former and hope it all works out. She's seemed nice enough to me when I've interacted with her so far.

Now what to ask her? I appreciate her initiative in getting in touch with me and setting up a meeting so quickly, but I haven't been around long enough to really have questions. I guess I can always go with the CPA career path questions since I get the feeling she's working towards one (or I think that's a safe assumption given her educational background).

And now I think I'll attempt to call Katie, but I feel as though I should leave the quiet car first ....though I am curious how Mr Seat 21 will be when we actually get to Sacramento.

Long and pretty

The commute may be a long one, but no one can say it is not a beautiful one.

I just finished my second day of my second week (four day weeks thus far) of training on the new job. It's getting better. Yesterday we had a peer panel, two of whom's first assignments were the same as my first assignment. Both stated they wanted to quit every day for a month when they started on that assignment. On one hand, that is sad. On the other hand, if I feel like I'm lost, behind, and not getting it, I'll know it's perfectly normal. At that point a certain amount of anxiety was released. The first breath of "I can do this."

In other news, I've decided to start adding reviews to this blog. They will be dated a date I ate/saw/visited at the place/movie/book/attraction (sometimes the first time, sometimes just the first time since I started this blog), but any subsequent updates will be added to the same post. All reviews will be tagged with the word "review" and the type like restaurant, movie, etc. I will also be duplicating those reviews to other appropriate sites such as yelp, boardgamegeek, etc. What the hell? I have the time.

Day 4 - not looking so good so far

Well. I had written a very lengthy post, but didn't check my connection before hitting publish so it all got erased. I'll try again but I'm sure most will be left out.

I start today with a heavy heart. I'm full of dread and fear and not even sure exactly the source. I woke up a couple of times in the night and nearly panicked when Jim was not lying by my side. He was merely in the other room with a case of insomnia, but I just felt so full of a need for him - for him to be with me, holding me, comforting me, securing me. He came when I called of course and I know if I called him right now he'd be happy to talk to me and to listen to me even if I did wake up. But I want him to get some sleep.

I started feeling that way last night - like I just needed him more than usual. I got home and my first thought was to take my shoes of my blistered and tired feet. My second thought was to let my husband hold me until I slipped into unconsciousness. Instead I soaked my feet in a hot water bath, ate some pizza, watched The Producers, and went to bed.

It's that yesterday was so terrible. Sure I got a new blister to add to the burgeoning blisters from the day before and I wrestled with my ankle wrap several times in hopes of reducing the pain there, but on the whole, the day went fine. Training was nothing terrible even if nothing terribly interesting. I got my job assignment and it was exactly as I expected. I found a new eating option which is more affordable if not remotely healthy.

Maybe it's just the depression sneaking up on me. If so I just have one more day to fight through and I can spend the next three in recovery. Maybe it's just all the newness building up to a front. Maybe it's something about today I can't quite pinpoint.

When I arrive, I have to walk the 15 minutes to work just to hop in a cab with my other trainees to go back the direction I came to get fingerprinted. This is so my employers can ensure I'm not a criminal and be alerted the second I decide to become one - or just get a traffic ticket. After that is the icebreaker.

I know there are a good number of people in the world who are good at schmoozing. I know that most people do not find shaking hands, smiling, making pleasant conversation, and exuding a friendly demeanor exhausting, but I certainly do. It is real work for me. If I don't put in that effort, I end up giving an impression of myself as cold, unfriendly - a bitch. And it always takes a long time to overcome that effect if I ever manage to. How many previous jobs have I ended up friendly with coworkers only to be informed by them that their initial impression of me was so unfavorable - that I was in fact a bitch no one liked. I'm just the kind of person that has to grow on people. I resent that, but at least it's not as bad as it used to be. I've gotten better. Part of that was a wall I put up myself. I can only process so much at a time and I always privileged achieving and portraying job competency over co-worker relationships. Now I recognize that people expect you to go through a learning curve with the job, but do not expect the same transitional period in relationships.

I don't care about touring the capitol and resent that I have to abide by a more formal dress code than everyone else on frito pie day because of it. But I'm sure that will be better than I expect. At least I have more comfortable shoes today.

I hope to meet my team leaders at the icebreaker and find an easy way to beg for consideration of my commute in placing me within my job assignment. The idea of being placed on a team that has to work offsite (a possibility I did not anticipate since I'm on an annual report I believed to be done entirely from the office) lengthening my commute - or worse - forcing me to drive for the duration of the project is - disheartening is so not strong enough a word.

What if I can't do this? What if I can't take the commute? What if I'm to fail again? Never completing anything. What if I love the job and the only way for me to be able to handle it is to move closer to it? How will that effect my life. How many friendships will I lose? What will that do to Katie when she's going through so much? What if she comes out here because of the friendships and support she can get here only to have me, the person who incited her to move and her strongest source of support move? She could move with us moving herself further away from the friendships she's started to foster here and her schooling. Else she'd be left to fend for herself in a new environment like she needs another disappointment in the people who love and care for her. What if I don't move? How much longer can Jim carry me through this before the stress starts to get to him. Is worrying about me already getting to him? He hasn't slept well all week.

I'm so fraking FRUSTRATED with all this fear and feelings of inadequacy. I'm a fraking ROCK STAR and I know it. I know I'm perfectly suited for this job. I know I'll excel at it. But somehow, all the stuff around the job makes me feel like a failure. I can't figure out what to wear. I don't feel like myself or remotely confident in the clothes I end up waring. I fear I can't handle the commute. I worry about transportation. I worry that my emotional state is too fraking fragile to put up with all of this. I'm just so tired of feeling like a failure when I know I'm not one - of being afraid and worried when there's no real reason to be. I know my therapist would say she can understand how I would feel this way. That these feelings are not unusual. That a lot of people have these fears in this situation. But that doesn't console me. I don't care about everyone else. I care about me and how me and my family will get through this.

If I can barely manage to get through a day as it is, how am I ever going to have time for myself, for my family, to work on the things that are important to me? How could I ever manage to be even a passable mother. How could I even manage to get pregnant for that matter? How will I avoid spiralling downward feeling friendless and alone?

It is only week one. Maybe it will get better. Maybe my body will learn to better function on less sleep. Maybe the commute will get easier. Maybe the flex schedule will ease things up a bit. Maybe, once I get into the actual work, I'll like it so much that it will help revitalize me.

It's just for now.

And now for yogurt, medication, and steeling myself for Day 4 of the new job.

Look Mommy! I'm an Auditor! or Growing up

My heart hurts. Not really - more like it clenches. It is fear and nerves. It is being so unsure. This is more than a new job - but a career. One of the first steps in my truly adult life.

I find it odd that our society thinks of going from childhood to adolescence as growing up and perceives of becoming an "adult" at those arbitrary age markers of 18 or 21. They say some grow up before their time because of horrorse and trials they see at too young an age. Those persons are more often stuck perpetually in childhood and never really learn that all that horror, pain, fear, and suffering is merely a condition of the human existence rather than the default state. Those persons may lose some of the lightness we associate with youth, but rather than growing up too fast, they have their growth stunted. Ours is a linear existence. While we can imitate - and quiet adeptly - the trappings, mannerisms, and duties of an adult life, we cannot learn to be an adult without learning first to be a child. Perhaps that is why it has taken me not 18 or 21 years, but 28 to finally begin growing up.

Observation #4: 5:00 am is a lot fraking earlier than 6:30 am.
Observation #5: 5:00 am is not early at all. It is not really early. It is really late. Really early does not start until the sky has at least started to get lighter.