Well. I had written a very lengthy post, but didn't check my connection before hitting publish so it all got erased. I'll try again but I'm sure most will be left out.
I start today with a heavy heart. I'm full of dread and fear and not even sure exactly the source. I woke up a couple of times in the night and nearly panicked when Jim was not lying by my side. He was merely in the other room with a case of insomnia, but I just felt so full of a need for him - for him to be with me, holding me, comforting me, securing me. He came when I called of course and I know if I called him right now he'd be happy to talk to me and to listen to me even if I did wake up. But I want him to get some sleep.
I started feeling that way last night - like I just needed him more than usual. I got home and my first thought was to take my shoes of my blistered and tired feet. My second thought was to let my husband hold me until I slipped into unconsciousness. Instead I soaked my feet in a hot water bath, ate some pizza, watched The Producers, and went to bed.
It's that yesterday was so terrible. Sure I got a new blister to add to the burgeoning blisters from the day before and I wrestled with my ankle wrap several times in hopes of reducing the pain there, but on the whole, the day went fine. Training was nothing terrible even if nothing terribly interesting. I got my job assignment and it was exactly as I expected. I found a new eating option which is more affordable if not remotely healthy.
Maybe it's just the depression sneaking up on me. If so I just have one more day to fight through and I can spend the next three in recovery. Maybe it's just all the newness building up to a front. Maybe it's something about today I can't quite pinpoint.
When I arrive, I have to walk the 15 minutes to work just to hop in a cab with my other trainees to go back the direction I came to get fingerprinted. This is so my employers can ensure I'm not a criminal and be alerted the second I decide to become one - or just get a traffic ticket. After that is the icebreaker.
I know there are a good number of people in the world who are good at schmoozing. I know that most people do not find shaking hands, smiling, making pleasant conversation, and exuding a friendly demeanor exhausting, but I certainly do. It is real work for me. If I don't put in that effort, I end up giving an impression of myself as cold, unfriendly - a bitch. And it always takes a long time to overcome that effect if I ever manage to. How many previous jobs have I ended up friendly with coworkers only to be informed by them that their initial impression of me was so unfavorable - that I was in fact a bitch no one liked. I'm just the kind of person that has to grow on people. I resent that, but at least it's not as bad as it used to be. I've gotten better. Part of that was a wall I put up myself. I can only process so much at a time and I always privileged achieving and portraying job competency over co-worker relationships. Now I recognize that people expect you to go through a learning curve with the job, but do not expect the same transitional period in relationships.
I don't care about touring the capitol and resent that I have to abide by a more formal dress code than everyone else on frito pie day because of it. But I'm sure that will be better than I expect. At least I have more comfortable shoes today.
I hope to meet my team leaders at the icebreaker and find an easy way to beg for consideration of my commute in placing me within my job assignment. The idea of being placed on a team that has to work offsite (a possibility I did not anticipate since I'm on an annual report I believed to be done entirely from the office) lengthening my commute - or worse - forcing me to drive for the duration of the project is - disheartening is so not strong enough a word.
What if I can't do this? What if I can't take the commute? What if I'm to fail again? Never completing anything. What if I love the job and the only way for me to be able to handle it is to move closer to it? How will that effect my life. How many friendships will I lose? What will that do to Katie when she's going through so much? What if she comes out here because of the friendships and support she can get here only to have me, the person who incited her to move and her strongest source of support move? She could move with us moving herself further away from the friendships she's started to foster here and her schooling. Else she'd be left to fend for herself in a new environment like she needs another disappointment in the people who love and care for her. What if I don't move? How much longer can Jim carry me through this before the stress starts to get to him. Is worrying about me already getting to him? He hasn't slept well all week.
I'm so fraking FRUSTRATED with all this fear and feelings of inadequacy. I'm a fraking ROCK STAR and I know it. I know I'm perfectly suited for this job. I know I'll excel at it. But somehow, all the stuff around the job makes me feel like a failure. I can't figure out what to wear. I don't feel like myself or remotely confident in the clothes I end up waring. I fear I can't handle the commute. I worry about transportation. I worry that my emotional state is too fraking fragile to put up with all of this. I'm just so tired of feeling like a failure when I know I'm not one - of being afraid and worried when there's no real reason to be. I know my therapist would say she can understand how I would feel this way. That these feelings are not unusual. That a lot of people have these fears in this situation. But that doesn't console me. I don't care about everyone else. I care about me and how me and my family will get through this.
If I can barely manage to get through a day as it is, how am I ever going to have time for myself, for my family, to work on the things that are important to me? How could I ever manage to be even a passable mother. How could I even manage to get pregnant for that matter? How will I avoid spiralling downward feeling friendless and alone?
It is only week one. Maybe it will get better. Maybe my body will learn to better function on less sleep. Maybe the commute will get easier. Maybe the flex schedule will ease things up a bit. Maybe, once I get into the actual work, I'll like it so much that it will help revitalize me.
It's just for now.
And now for yogurt, medication, and steeling myself for Day 4 of the new job.
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